All comments by Sherlock Holmes

If you must.

Sherlock Holmes 13 August

ANYONE!?

Sherlock Holmes 13 August

Anyone?

Sherlock Holmes 13 August

John would ask me if he was here. He always asks me what's going on and how i worked it out.

Sherlock Holmes 13 August

Anyone?

Sherlock Holmes 13 August

Does anyone want to ask me how I worked it all out? And who the potential victim was?

Sherlock Holmes 13 August

You are all utterly ridiculous. And still none of you have asked about the attempted murder. John has catalogued two cases on this blog that we have since discovered tied into what happened today. The Bloody Guardsman featured a brilliant attempted murder. In the case of The Mayfly Man, I deduced the how but not the why. During the wedding I discovered the answer to both. Bainbridge had been stabbed by a tiny skewer through his belt. Once he removed his belt, the skewer was removed and he started to die. It was a delayed action stabbing. It transpires that he was merely a test subject for the attempted murder at the wedding. The Mayfly Man was the man who attempted to kill Bainbridge. He was sleeping with women to get close to another potential victim. Through them he discovered that the victim would be at John and Mary's wedding.

Sherlock Holmes 13 August

Who else wants to be deconstructed?

Sherlock Holmes 13 August

You use the word 'mate' a lot, Mike. It's a sign that you're overcompensating for your very middle-aged, middle-class existence. You want the world to see you as young and cool.

Sherlock Holmes 13 August

Did nobody notice the attempted murder I mentioned? What's wrong with you all?

Sherlock Holmes 13 August

You couldn't make this up.

Sherlock Holmes 12 August

Aren't you an actor?

Sherlock Holmes 12 August

I don't understand the reference.

Sherlock Holmes 12 August

I just don't understand why you're all here. Go outside and find something to do.

Sherlock Holmes 12 August

Is this why most of you are single?

Sherlock Holmes 11 August

But haven't you got better things to be doing? You're spending all your time on the Internet.

Sherlock Holmes 11 August

Why do you all comment on this? Some of you don't even know John.

Sherlock Holmes 11 August

I've just had a text from John. I'll shut up now.

Sherlock Holmes 11 August

Mary. I've been doing some research and you need to avoid seafood.

Sherlock Holmes 11 August

Does your wife know you're on the Internet when you're supposed to be enjoying your Sex Holiday with her?

Sherlock Holmes 11 August

Good comeback.

Sherlock Holmes 2 July

Why email when we're doing the invitations? Ridiculous.

Sherlock Holmes 2 July

Ridiculous.

Sherlock Holmes 2 July

That was a sarcastic comment, by the way. I know such things often go over your head.

Sherlock Holmes 29 June

Thank you, John.

Sherlock Holmes 29 June

Oh no, I forgot. You want a 'nice quiet, crime-free day'. How utterly tedious.

Sherlock Holmes 10 June

I might include it in my best man speech.

Sherlock Holmes 10 June

It was an intellectual exercise, nothing more.

Sherlock Holmes 03 June

No.

Sherlock Holmes 27 May

Oh, I think we should.

Sherlock Holmes 9 November

I see you haven't spent the last two years working on your writing technique.

Sherlock Holmes 7 November

John, fetch me my revolver.

Sherlock Holmes 16 March 13:50

Stop now.

Sherlock Holmes 16 March 13:36

Henry was a "normal-looking bloke"? Really, John, you should become a professional author!

Sherlock Holmes 16 March 12:22

John, fetch me my revolver.

Sherlock Holmes 12 March 13:32

This is incredibly tedious. Is this how you people talk to each other? What next, the weather?

Sherlock Holmes 12 March 12:25

Please, Mrs Hudson. I'd really love some... brunch.

Sherlock Holmes 12 March 12:13

Sorry, Mrs Hudson. John's given me a look. Apparently that was rude.

Sherlock Holmes 12 March 12:09

Well, stop typing and surprise us!

Sherlock Holmes 12 March 12:07

But you've just come back from the cafe which means you've lots of cakes you won't eat.

Sherlock Holmes 12 March 12:04

Can't be bothered. Bring some food up, Mrs Hudson.

Sherlock Holmes 12 March 12:01

That's something to live and hope for.

Sherlock Holmes 12 March 11:55

Are we really doing this?

Sherlock Holmes 12 March 11:48

How does it? And why should people want to know the real me? What's the point?!

Sherlock Holmes 12 March 11:37

Really, John, what's the point in this post? If you can't detail what happened in a case because of some ridiculous law thing then why bother?

Sherlock Holmes 12 March 11:32

Still not interested.

Sherlock Holmes 15 August 12:17

He died. End of story.

Sherlock Holmes 14 August 10:22

You don't suppose correctly.

Sherlock Holmes 14 August 07:32

It wasn't real.

Sherlock Holmes 14 July 14:17

Thank you, Jacob. It's good to know that someone appreciates what I do.

Sherlock Holmes 16 June 17:02

Well, I'm glad that our purpose here is to entertain people. There was me thinking we were solving crimes.

Sherlock Holmes 16 June 16:14

I didn't steal the bus. I borrowed it. And it's not as if the tourists seemed to mind.

Sherlock Holmes 30 May 10:02

I went shopping earlier. There's some cans of beer in the fridge. Next to the feet.

Sherlock Holmes 02 May 16:50

You never told me about Sarah.

Sherlock Holmes 02 May 15:17

Still alive then?

Sherlock Holmes 01 April 13:28

John, I've only just found this post. I've glanced over it and honestly, words fail me. What I do is an exact science and should be treated as such. You've made the whole experience seem like some kind of romantic adventure. You should have focussed on my analytical reasoning and nothing more.

Sherlock Holmes 28 March 17:46

John! I need you to book me some aeroplane tickets! I'm going to Minsk!

Sherlock Holmes 28 March 15:55

Also, please note that sentences can also end in full stops. The exclamation mark can be overused.

Sherlock Holmes 28 March 13:08

John, this is appalling. It's all 'and then we ran here! And then we ran there! And it was a code!' What about the analysis, John? The analysis! How did I work it out? How did I know where to go? And as for 'All these people he involves in his adventures... '. My what? I'm sorry, obviously I did't realise I was a character in a children's story.

Sherlock Holmes 28 March 13:04

Not going to try the secret message yourself, John?

Sherlock Holmes 27 March 22:09

The crushing tedium of boring people with their boring everyday grievances.

Sherlock Holmes 23 March 20:20

I. AM. BORED. And I'm wondering what temperature I'd need to create to blow up your cans of beer...

Sherlock Holmes 23 March 18:23

That's demonstrably untrue. That clip of a cat falling off a shelf for example. The one you insisted on watching twelve times.

Sherlock Holmes 23 March 18:16

It's nice to have something to look forward to.

Sherlock Holmes 23 March 18:09

I've heard of him, yes.

Sherlock Holmes 23 March 18:04

Where have I heard that phrase before? Diamonds are forever?

Sherlock Holmes 23 March 17:08